


The sharp knife of a short life

by FinleyHerondale



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 15:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18097301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinleyHerondale/pseuds/FinleyHerondale
Summary: Alec finds a guitar in Magnus's loft which brings back old memories





	The sharp knife of a short life

**Author's Note:**

> I would recommend to first listen to the song "If I die young" by The Band Perry before reading this. It will set the mood and help you understand the story better.

Alec had learned how to play the guitar when he was teenager. He never had a teacher. In fact, he was probably not even that good at it.  
But he was quiet proud of himself for learning it by himself.

Sometimes it had been good to fall on his bed at the end of a long day of training and just let his fingers slide over the strings. It felt good to be able to do something that no one else in the Institute seemed to be able to do.

Jace might beat him up during training, and maybe Jace could play the piano, and maybe Izzy was so much better at moving, and maybe Izzy was stronger, and maybe they would always be better at everything than he was.  
But he was able to play gloomy songs on his guitar. It was not really helpful when it came to being a good Shadowhunter but then again the spot of “Best Shadowhunter of his generation" would always be taken by Jace. And Jace deserved it and Alec knew that. And Alec had to be okay with always being second best. Or not even that.

***

When Alec saw the black guitar leaning to the wall in Magnus's apartment he couldn't help but smile a sad half-smile.  
He felt himself thrown back to his teen years.

To all the hours spend alone on his bed playing. All the times he couldn't tell if his fingers hurt from the guitar strings or the string of his bow.  
But his gloomy teen years were over and eventually he had forgotten about the guitar and had concentrated on his bow string.

Alec picked up the guitar and sat down.  
Carefully, he let his fingers slide over the strings, checking the sound for each of them until he put the fingers of his left hand on the guitar's neck.

Magnus wasn't home. And he was oddly glad about it. No one had ever actually heard him play the guitar before.  
It had become something intimate, something he had kept to himself for so long that it felt like a big thing to then show to someone.

He wasn't even sure why he had never showed anyone. Izzy would certainly have liked it. But what if it turned out that his playing actually wasn't good? What if the one thing he thought he was better at than his siblings for all his teenage years was actually just something he sucked at?

He played a few chords, checking if he still remembered them. He wasn't sure if he did, but his fingers were certain.  
At the end of the day playing an instrument wasn't much different than learning how to fight, it all came down to muscle memory.

Alec concentrated on his playing and got lost in the music and the memory of it. Memories of long, lonely nights that he'd rather forget. Something about the guitar seemed to put his mind back to years ago. The strings still felt the same. He got so lost that he didn't notice the door opening.

“You're really good at that", Magnus said, leaning against the doorframe with a soft smile on his face. Alec immediately stopped moving. His fingers fell from the fingerboard and he stood up to put the guitar back to its spot next to the wall.

“No, don't stop", Magnus said, but sat down in the chair opposite of Alec while picking up a drink. “I once knew this boy, his name was Imasu, he was very good at playing the charango. God, he played beautifully"

Alec didn't want to hear about it.  
He knew that it didn't make sense to get jealous of any of the random people Magnus told stories about over the day but he couldn't help it.  
His emotions where too mixed up right now to have a conversation about long gone boys who were good at playing instruments.  
Boys that were probably better at those instruments than Alec would ever be at playing the guitar. But that was his life, wasn't it?  
Always there but never quite at the top. Second best. He liked to think that he didn't care, and for the most part he really didn't. But it would be nice to be someone’s first choice for once.

One day he would be Magnus first choice for a story. One day he would be “that one guy that died years ago and was quite okay with a bow".  
“I'm going to bed", Alec said.

***

The next day Alec found himself alone in the loft again. Magnus was out, dealing with a client and he had said that it might take some time.

So Alec picked up the guitar again. He hadn't really spoken to Magnus since yesterday night and he had found that even a few hours of sleep and patrolling hadn't calmed his mind.  
He had no idea that the appearance of a guitar could take his mind back to battles he had fought with himself long ago.

He looked up different songs and played through them, for some reason the songs he chose that day were all played in minor chords for the most part. He had always played more minor than major chords.

Then the song title “If I die young" caught his attention. Most likely, it wasn't an “if" question for him. He was a Shadowhunter. For him the song would be named “When I die young". He had no doubt about it.  
He would die young.  
He let his eyes wander over the lyrics and found himself almost laughing about how he found them relatable.

He listened to the song a few times to memorize the melody and then started playing. He couldn't keep himself from quietly singing the lyrics. He wasn’t much of a singer but for himself it had to be enough.

 _“If I die young bury me in satin_  
_Lay me down in a bed of roses_  
_Sink me in the river at dawn_  
_Send me away with the words of a love song…”_

 _“…Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother"_  
A line which his teenage self never would have dared to say out loud. Not even in the solitude of his own room.

 _“She'll know I'm save with you when she stands under my colours, oh and_  
_Life ain't always what you think it oughta be, no_  
_Ain't even grey when she buries her baby_  
_The sharp knife of a short life,_  
_Well, I've had just enough time"_ Images regarding his own funeral crept in Alec's mind. His family dressed in white, standing next to his own lifeless body.

Though, Verse 2 was probably the part that hurt the most. _“I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom_ _I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger"_ Alec mind wandered from images of Shadowhunter funerals to the Lightwood family ring.

 _“I've never known the lovin’ of a man_  
_But it sure felt nice when he was holdin’ my hand_  
_There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever.”  
_Images of Magnus flashed in his head like broken party lights. Magnus in his arms. Magnus finger’s entwined in his. Magnus talking about their future. Magnus and the promise that Alec will be forever loved. _"But who would have thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life?"_

Alec’s voice broke. He felt the pressure behind his eyes being released and instead tears started dripping on Magnus's guitar.

___________***_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

When Magnus returned to his loft he heard an unusual sound. Originally, he just wanted to drop in to get the vampire hair he had forgotten to bring and he wanted to do it quickly.  
But from next door he heard a guitar and if he listened closely he was able to make out Alec's voice. Who was surprisingly good at singing.

 _“If I die young bury me in satin_  
_Lay me down in a bed of roses_  
_Sink me in the river at dawn_  
_Send me away with the words of a love song"  
_Magnus heart ached. Alec sang the song with so much emotion packed into it, so much-

The glimpse of the glass with vampire hair dragged him back to reality. He would have loved to just stay and listen. Spending time with Alec and the guitar seemed like a better choice than work. But then again, when wasn't Alexander his first choice?

***

Apparently playing that song had become a habit for Alec.  
Magnus didn't like to eavesdrop on him, but he couldn't help it. Over the past few days Alec had become incredibly distant and when Magnus thought about it, it had started when Alec had first picked up the damn guitar.

Magnus had tried to start conversations, to get him to talk and not let Alec push him away but Alec seemed to be somewhere else entirely. When Magnus told Alec he would leave the house he secretly dropped in to check on Alec. And most of the times Alec had been playing The Song. The lyrics and Alec's voice had burned themselves in Magnus’s mind like a painful branding. If I die young…

Magnus decided that he couldn't keep doing this any longer. He had wanted to give Alec the chance to do the first step so badly. He didn't want to force this conversation on him. But he had to. He took a deep breath in and opened the door.

***

 _“...A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar_  
_They’re worth so much more after I'm a goner-",_ Alec fell silent as soon as the door opened.

“How long have you been standing there?”, he asked.  
“Do you believe those words you are singing?”, Magnus asked. Alec didn't answer.

“Alexander-", Magnus bit his lip. “You've been so distant lately. Ever since you picked up that guitar. Please, just talk to me.”, Magnus pleaded.  
Alec swallowed. He hadn't meant to hurt Magnus.

Magnus sat down next to him and held out his hand.  
“What is it? What does this song mean? What aren't you telling me?”  
Alec slowly leaned the guitar to the wall.

“It's okay, Alexander. Whatever you are feeling. What ever you are going through right now. It's okay. Just talk to me"  
Alec took Magnus hand.  
“It's just- I used to play the guitar as a teenager. And this one", Alec stared at the black guitar, “brought up some memories"  
“What memories?”, Magnus asked and Alec finally looked him into the eyes.

And so Alec told him about his memories. Buying the guitar somewhere in the city, learning how to play, spending nights playing it.  
He told Magnus about the countless times he had sat alone in his room, beating himself up about who he was. Always with the guitar by his side.  
He told Magnus about finally being able to do something that no one else in his family seemed to be able to do. He told Magnus about insecurities he thought he had lost being brought up again by the feeling of the strings between his fingers.  
And he told Magnus about finding The Song. Told him that he will die young and that Magnus might say that he will love Alec forever but sooner or later Magnus was going to move on. And he told him about how he wanted Magnus to move on, because he wanted Magnus to be happy. But he also told Magnus that for once he wanted to be someone's first choice. Just once.

“Alexander, you are my choice. If I could, I would always choose you first. When I say I will love you forever I mean it. It's not an empty phrase. Not something I would give away easily. I love you. And I won't ever forget you. I won't ever stop loving you. And you aren't alone anymore, okay? I am here. You don't have to spend nights alone with your thoughts-"  
Alec let Magnus’s hand go and instead embraced him, his fingers pressing on Magnus's body, clinging onto him.

After a while, when Alec had let Magnus go, Magnus asked what Alec wanted to do with the guitar.  
“I understand if you want to get rid of it", Magnus said.  
“No. I need closure. I need- I don't know.”  
“You know, I never actually learned how to play an instrument.”, Magnus said. “Would you teach me?”  
Alec smiled softly. “Of course"

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first time I ever put something I wrote on the Internet. That's also why there might be mistakes with the italics. I'm really not much of a writer. As you could probably tell, English is also not my first language. I'm not entirely happy with how it came out but I liked the idea. Feel free to pick this idea up and write something better with it.


End file.
